My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
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[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
The devil.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!