I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
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When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”