Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Our lord and savoury.