Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
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My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.