Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
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in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say