[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
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A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting