I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL