Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
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As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
turning my gender off to conserve energy
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most