The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
You Might Also Like
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
what are they serving at kfc then???
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Basketball
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?