One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
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‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
lmao
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I feel this so hard
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
My support group can outdrink your support group.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!