I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.