When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
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I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Word!
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Hey I worked for it too!
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.