What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
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Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids