[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
You Might Also Like
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
January has been Januweary
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.