Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*