Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
This could’ve been an email.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me trying to walk in a dream
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now