[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.