[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
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Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.