Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
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rapatouille
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
We’ve come full circle
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?