5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
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[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats