No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
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[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.