My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
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While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.