Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
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We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
black phone good
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.