I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
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I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”