I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does