Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
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Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Planet of the Apps.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
never compromise your values
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity