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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous