*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
Wednesday
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less