Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
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HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”