No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
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Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?