Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
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Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
ACED my prostate exam!
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Just a phase…
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent