“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
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phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.