I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
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[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.