First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
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#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
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