i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
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Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
“OMGJK” -atheists
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Twitter is an abusement park.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more