No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
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I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
my proudest tweet
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash