an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
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*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
So, can we agree on 4 or
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Did I do this right
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.