Me trying to look natural in photos
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Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
👾👾👾
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.