[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
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Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
🤣😂🤣
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM