I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
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Great Canadian literature.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song