Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
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Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
How it started How it’s going
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us