GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
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To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
A wise man once said nothing.