So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
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If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.