them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
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I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context