Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No