You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
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I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Cats (2019)
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right