I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
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Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Neil Diamond: 馃幎HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS馃幎
CDC: NO
how many bears make up a bear minimum
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we鈥檒l be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I鈥檓 excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 馃お馃槀
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*