When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
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I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.