Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
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NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
My neck, my back, my…
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader: