I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
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One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing